The Hard Work of Forgiveness: Four Things You Need to Know

 

Of all the things we are called to do as followers of Christ, forgiving others may be the most difficult. It sounds simple enough in theory. Of course we should forgive. Of course we should let go of the hurt and move forward. But when someone has genuinely wronged you, when the wound runs deep and the pain is still raw, forgiveness can feel less like a spiritual discipline and more like an impossible demand.

And yet, the Bible does not treat forgiveness as optional.

In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus makes the stakes remarkably clear. He teaches that if we forgive others, our heavenly Father will forgive us, but if we withhold forgiveness, that same forgiveness will be withheld from us. That is a sobering reality. Forgiveness is not a suggestion tucked gently into the margins of scripture. It is a command, woven directly into the fabric of what it means to follow Jesus.

So how do we actually do it? How do we forgive the person who devastated us, betrayed us, or caused harm we never fully recover from? There are four foundational truths that can help us understand and walk out forgiveness in a real and lasting way.

You Have Already Been Forgiven

The starting point for forgiving others is remembering what has already been done for you. Colossians 3:13 reminds us that just as the Lord has forgiven us, we are called to forgive others. That sequence matters. His forgiveness of us comes first. It is the foundation.

Think honestly about your own life. Think about the things you have done, the sins you have committed, the ways you have fallen short. Did you deserve to be forgiven for those things? None of us did. Romans 3 tells us that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Whether our sins seem large or small by human standards, even one act of sin is enough to create a chasm between us and a holy God. And yet He forgave us anyway. He not only wiped the slate clean, He called us sons and daughters. He made us co-heirs with Christ.

Here is a question worth sitting with. Has anyone mocked, tortured, and killed one of your children? God forgave the people who did exactly that to His Son. Whatever has been done to us, no matter how painful or unjust, it does not exceed what God chose to forgive on our behalf. That truth is not meant to minimize your suffering. It is meant to give you a foundation to stand on when forgiveness feels impossible.

Forgiveness Is Not Impossible

We often convince ourselves that what we are being asked to do simply cannot be done. The offense was too great. The damage was too severe. Forgiveness is fine in theory, but not in this case. Not for what this person did.

Matthew 19:26 speaks directly into that kind of thinking. Jesus says that with man, certain things are impossible, but with God, all things are possible. That promise applies to forgiveness just as much as it applies to anything else.

The critical shift here is this: it is not about the size of the offense or your personal ability to forgive. It is about surrendering the situation to God and trusting that His power can accomplish what yours cannot. You do not need to grit your teeth and force yourself to feel something you do not feel. You simply need to ask God to come and take it from you. His love and power are infinite. He can impart into you what you do not naturally possess. What feels like a mountain too high to climb becomes something entirely different when God is added to the equation.

Forgiveness Has Already Been Demonstrated

We are not being asked to do something that has never been done before. God has already shown us what forgiveness looks like at its fullest expression.

Psalm 103:11-12 paints a breathtaking picture of how far God's forgiveness reaches. His love toward those who fear Him is as vast as the distance between heaven and earth. He removes our sin as far as the east is from the west. And 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love keeps no record of wrongs. God does not forgive us and then keep a running tab. Once it is handed over, it is gone.

That is the model we are called to follow. And it is worth noting that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgiving someone does not mean you are required to place yourself back in harm's way. Reconciliation requires a willing partner, and that is not always possible. You can forgive someone and still maintain healthy boundaries. Forgiveness releases the debt. It does not obligate you to keep absorbing the damage.

Forgiveness Starts With Jesus, Not With You

This is perhaps the most important truth of all. We cannot manufacture forgiveness on our own. In and of ourselves, we simply do not have it. But when we shift our focus away from ourselves and toward what Jesus did for us, everything changes.

Romans 5:8-10 describes how God demonstrated His love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners, still enemies of God. There was nothing we could do to bridge the gap between ourselves and a holy God. And yet He sent His Son anyway, to suffer and be betrayed and be nailed to a cross, to pay a debt He did not owe.

When we refuse to forgive someone, we are in effect saying that what Jesus did on the cross was not enough. We accept His forgiveness for ourselves but refuse to extend it to others. That is a contradiction we cannot afford to live in.

The practical way forward is this. When you cannot forgive someone, hand the hurt over to Jesus. Give Him the debt you feel that person owes you. Tell Him it is too heavy for you to carry and ask Him to deal with it as He sees fit. Release the person and the pain into His hands.

Unforgiveness keeps the person who hurt you living rent-free in your mind, wounding you again and again long after the original offense. Forgiveness does not excuse what they did. It does not let them off the hook. It simply removes them from the space in your heart and mind that belongs to God, and it allows you to move forward in freedom.

The work of forgiveness is hard. But it is not yours to do alone. It begins and ends with Jesus.